2015 was a panic dealing with a divorce that surprised me.  2016 was a honeymoon with being newly single, but ending with a relapse.  2017 was filled with depression fueled by several months of drinking.  2018, I hope will be dedicated to sobriety.

I am still struggling with addictions and/or bad habits re:  stuck in bed, over-eating, online screen distraction and politics obsession.

I turn 48 this week.   This milestone is book ended by the 20th anniversary of my abusive step-father’s suicide and the two year anniversary of the finalization of the divorce.

So I want to talk about something not related to my immediate well being at all – Woody Allen.  Some thoughts:

1) Allen betrayed all the minor children in the Farrow household by marrying his then girlfriend’s adopted daughter.  She was all those kids’ big sister and the privilege of genius or celebrity doesn’t excuse violating that boundary at the cost of permanently damaging the trajectory of those children’s lives.

2) You want to believe Dylan’s account that Allen abused her just as much as you want to believe Moses’ account that Farrow abused him and Dylan.

3) My bias is that I am able to access my anger at my Mom (for not protecting me and her parenting miscues) more than I am tapping into rage for my Step-father’s criminally abusive sexual behavior.  This, I believe, is the brainwashing and grooming perpetrators use to twist their victims’ minds.

4) The #Me You and #Times Up movement seem to be over correcting at times with anti-male leanings.  Margot Atwood spoke of this recently – females are human too.

5) Not sweeping sexual misconduct under the rug and spotlighting harassment / assault / abuse with bright visibility must be tempered by avoiding the excesses of trail-by-online-mob, e.g. the Aziz Ansari situation.

6) I empathize with Allen potentially being falsely accused during a divorce / custody situation.  My ex wife did a similar thing to me (domestic violence accusations).   While I was guilty of being a lousy husband at times certainly worthy of divorcing (though was honestly trending in a much better direction in 2015!), what she claimed about me was simply not true and a very hurtful way to try to gain leverage in a divorce.

7) The real truth and balanced justice is often hard to find in this world.

That said, despite my biases, I lean toward thinking Moses’ perspective is likely the reality of the situation.  Nonetheless, I have not watched a Woody Allen movie in over a decade; and Ronan Farrow rocks.



“out of the door”

They can’t revoke your soul for tryin!  Heading to the gym.

The Time Person of the Year 2017 are “The Silence Breakers”.

Please don’t ever judge someone for not speaking up right away.   As a white guy, I enjoy a lot of gender, class and race privilege (for example, my drunk contacts with the law in my late teens and early twenties resulted in wrist slaps in a college town, etc.) but I was sexually abused by a “Big Brother” / step-father in adolescence.    I didn’t tell a soul for a decade.  I focused on being an Eagle Scout, honor student, accepted into a top state public university…

Took 10 years until I shared with an intimate partner and 15 years to the person who abused me committed suicide as the police were closing in.

My silence has caused a lot of self-doubt, shame, guilt, denial, etc. and an incredible ability to put my head in the sand (and now being stuck in bed)!

It takes a lot to speak out against people with more power and authority, someone who betrayed you and maybe once you looked up to, not wanting to out yourself as a “victim” and the stereotyping society may put on you!

These women (and men) are brave and I hope they change the culture for generations to come…


stuck in bed

I really wanted to drink last night.   The bad habit of staying in bed days-on-in has become ingrained and I can’t break the cycle.  The carb loading of my last post remains except when I have no food in the house and refrain from getting food delivery – this is the only upside of staying in bed – a day without overeating if the fridge is empty.  Even the weeks I have the kids, some days I will take them to school – but come back home under the sheets again until it is time to pick them up.  In my first 4.5 decades – this has NEVER been a problem for me – however, in 2017, it has become my life.

While in bed, I tune everything out in my personal and work life – not thinking about job tasks (until the absolute deadline or a meeting), bills and taxes, loneliness/grief of divorce / midlife dating, gaining 50 lbs in last year, etc.  I am NOT anxious like I was the last 5 years, but boy am I depressed.   I have gotten into the bad habit of doing my work in bed, eating in bed….darn it – I am writing this in bed!

When in the sack, I spend all my time reading about the train wreck of politics in America – I read the New Times and Washington Post, listen to podcasts, and browse Twitter, etc.  I don’t participate in online mud fights with comments and Tweets, but I am now very knowledgeable about health care and tax policy, passing major legislation, political campaigns, Presidential history, the federal judiciary system, etc. as well as White House palace intrigue, detailed specifics about congressional and special counsel investigations, etc.   Thank god I don’t have a TV in my room or a Cable subscription.

The # Me Too movement is the only good thing going on right now, and it is nice to see the cultural sea change that was much needed.   Of course, to date, the Black congressmen is the only political figure to have faced consequences among elected officials, and all the old white guys (credibly) accused are STILL in office or running for election – on both sides of the aisle.   Of course we can’t have mob rule overturning elections and need a due process for both victims and the accused when it comes to sexual misconduct in politics, but things are not changing at the same pace in this arena like media and the arts.

Having a major national figure with a personality disorder / clear Axis II behavior creates a context for me to regress to other times in my life where I was stuck with someone with similar traits.  Gaslighting is a real thing!  With all my own real internal distress (that is MY responsibility) I am projecting onto this real country-wide drama.   I am guilty of idealizing (some) the last President and demonizing (a little) the current POTUS, but even when you factor that in with my own bias – I can’t believe the civil war that the USA is currently engaged in.  I can’t stand the extremes and nuts on the Left or Right, and find comfort in conservatives that are putting country over party, all the women and others from diverse backgrounds now running for office (see Virginia last month), among other bright spots.  But we are all facing real damage (like our fellow Americans facing a slow recovery in PR and VI post hurricane), and threats (North Korea) and in limbo (the Dreamers brought into this country as minors), etc.

Nonetheless, I have to break the bed habit.   I called my best friend that I have known from college, texted a buddy from another city (we are talking this weekend) and emailed two other guys……..will call my brothers tomorrow.   I am asking them for their support to call and bug and check on me in the mornings to get my FAT bum out of bed, and into the world.

I did make it to a concert (by myself) two weeks ago (though that setting prompted some drinking urges), and raked half the leaves in the yard (30 bags!) when it was still warm –  there is a beautiful giant oak tree in the front yard.  I made it to the gym twice last month too………..compared to 0 times since like the spring!  The kids have made it to soccer, gymnastics, church, tutoring, but that is my care taking side that I can’t get done for me.  We did make out like bandits getting new gently used ski / snowboarding gear for the season by trading in / Black Friday deals.  $450 of stuff for under $200…….and it would of all been over a grand brand new retail.   So they are ready for snow.  I just need not to engage in the libation at these locations.

I am a man of habits (good and bad).   I have to break this BED pattern slowly, and slowly get my body moving again AND working sitting down for a reasonable number of hours per day for job tasks.   But I can NOT do it by myself in isolation.

Hopefully reaching out to Craig, Jared, Chris, Mike, Rob and Phil will help.

I should (or I know that it would help to) read other folks blogs daily too, and post more often.   Translating intention into action is the barrier.

If I stay stuck and isolated like this, I will drink again.   It is what happened this summer when I relapsed after staying sober February through June.   Don’t want to repeat that disaster!



I was reading some Tweets about politics and found a reference to “Carbocide” with someone using food to deal with stress and to sleep.

Before seeing that, for about half a week, I’ve been taking it easy on the carbs and eating more protein.    I have also tried to not eat after dinner (beyond a Clementine with a pang), and eating breakfast a little later in the morning.

I have had more energy and less urge to stay in bed.  Less bloated feeling and clearer thinking.

So more meats, fruit, veggies and fats…less breads, cereal, ice cream, donuts, pizza, etc.   Longer block of time without eating from dusk to dawn +, a true break – fast.

It’s the first little step other than not drinking that I have taken that resulted in feeling so much better in mind and body…and spirit.

I am emerging from a long “carbotose”.


Less Stuck

Still sober.

Every day I am like .1% better but than have days where I take .2% step back.  Feels like I am at 25% of normal, which is like way better than being in the negative with drinking 46 days ago.

The sun is out, time to go outside!

Winter is coming, ha, ha.


30 days

The horrible summer of hangovers and barely getting by seems like a long time ago, and now Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here soon.

This relapse started a year ago.  I got to a month sober in last December, and then four months from February to June this year.  Hopefully I can learn from those recent lessons, along with the others decades ago.

I’m stuck still.   Over the last twelve months, I have had trouble getting out of the house, even out of bed – so bad I will even do work in bed.   It is something I have never dealt with ever before.  I used to scoff internally when I heard about those suffering from depression having this problem.  Now I can so RELATE!

Laying in bed has resulted in horrible weight gain along with a bunch of other issues.  It is the biggest problem I need to solve, and stopping it will result in a bunch of immediate benefits.  Like yesterday, it was a beautiful day with blue sky and wonderful fall warmth (but not hot and humid like earlier this autumn).   Just thinking about that is depressing, but I deprived myself of the benefits of the sun and basic movement outside.  How 18 years ago I thru-hiked the 2,000 miles of the Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine – doing 30 miles in one day once – and today I can’t get out of bed, is a little mind blowing.

I want to change all the bad habits at once – cutting back on caffeine and over eating, exercising, stopping the obsession of the current train wreck of American politics, etc.   But I just need to set up a reasonable achievable goal:

When I wake in the morning or after dropping the kids off to school, I will drive to the gym where I can do work in the cafe before or after exercising.

It is a simple daily goal.  I no longer have an external office, and especially every other week the kids are with their mom, I can go days without getting out the house and spend most of my time in bed.

This is a cycle and habit I need to break, or I am convinced I will drink again.