I really wanted to drink last night. The bad habit of staying in bed days-on-in has become ingrained and I can’t break the cycle. The carb loading of my last post remains except when I have no food in the house and refrain from getting food delivery – this is the only upside of staying in bed – a day without overeating if the fridge is empty. Even the weeks I have the kids, some days I will take them to school – but come back home under the sheets again until it is time to pick them up. In my first 4.5 decades – this has NEVER been a problem for me – however, in 2017, it has become my life.
While in bed, I tune everything out in my personal and work life – not thinking about job tasks (until the absolute deadline or a meeting), bills and taxes, loneliness/grief of divorce / midlife dating, gaining 50 lbs in last year, etc. I am NOT anxious like I was the last 5 years, but boy am I depressed. I have gotten into the bad habit of doing my work in bed, eating in bed….darn it – I am writing this in bed!
When in the sack, I spend all my time reading about the train wreck of politics in America – I read the New Times and Washington Post, listen to podcasts, and browse Twitter, etc. I don’t participate in online mud fights with comments and Tweets, but I am now very knowledgeable about health care and tax policy, passing major legislation, political campaigns, Presidential history, the federal judiciary system, etc. as well as White House palace intrigue, detailed specifics about congressional and special counsel investigations, etc. Thank god I don’t have a TV in my room or a Cable subscription.
The # Me Too movement is the only good thing going on right now, and it is nice to see the cultural sea change that was much needed. Of course, to date, the Black congressmen is the only political figure to have faced consequences among elected officials, and all the old white guys (credibly) accused are STILL in office or running for election – on both sides of the aisle. Of course we can’t have mob rule overturning elections and need a due process for both victims and the accused when it comes to sexual misconduct in politics, but things are not changing at the same pace in this arena like media and the arts.
Having a major national figure with a personality disorder / clear Axis II behavior creates a context for me to regress to other times in my life where I was stuck with someone with similar traits. Gaslighting is a real thing! With all my own real internal distress (that is MY responsibility) I am projecting onto this real country-wide drama. I am guilty of idealizing (some) the last President and demonizing (a little) the current POTUS, but even when you factor that in with my own bias – I can’t believe the civil war that the USA is currently engaged in. I can’t stand the extremes and nuts on the Left or Right, and find comfort in conservatives that are putting country over party, all the women and others from diverse backgrounds now running for office (see Virginia last month), among other bright spots. But we are all facing real damage (like our fellow Americans facing a slow recovery in PR and VI post hurricane), and threats (North Korea) and in limbo (the Dreamers brought into this country as minors), etc.
Nonetheless, I have to break the bed habit. I called my best friend that I have known from college, texted a buddy from another city (we are talking this weekend) and emailed two other guys……..will call my brothers tomorrow. I am asking them for their support to call and bug and check on me in the mornings to get my FAT bum out of bed, and into the world.
I did make it to a concert (by myself) two weeks ago (though that setting prompted some drinking urges), and raked half the leaves in the yard (30 bags!) when it was still warm – there is a beautiful giant oak tree in the front yard. I made it to the gym twice last month too………..compared to 0 times since like the spring! The kids have made it to soccer, gymnastics, church, tutoring, but that is my care taking side that I can’t get done for me. We did make out like bandits getting new gently used ski / snowboarding gear for the season by trading in / Black Friday deals. $450 of stuff for under $200…….and it would of all been over a grand brand new retail. So they are ready for snow. I just need not to engage in the libation at these locations.
I am a man of habits (good and bad). I have to break this BED pattern slowly, and slowly get my body moving again AND working sitting down for a reasonable number of hours per day for job tasks. But I can NOT do it by myself in isolation.
Hopefully reaching out to Craig, Jared, Chris, Mike, Rob and Phil will help.
I should (or I know that it would help to) read other folks blogs daily too, and post more often. Translating intention into action is the barrier.
If I stay stuck and isolated like this, I will drink again. It is what happened this summer when I relapsed after staying sober February through June. Don’t want to repeat that disaster!